Trust in the lord with all your heart and
lean not on your own understanding.
(Proverbs 3:5)
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Insights From a Wife
Used by permission |
It is very clear from your letters and conversations that we have some
important issues to discuss and work on towards resolving our
marriage. I appreciate your honesty in revealing your secret torment
to me. I see that as a healthy first step in the direction of healing.
True love, as I see it, always seeks another person's highest good
whether that involves pain and discomfort for themselves or their
beloved. If you love someone you will want what is best for them in
the long run and according to God's plans. Because of this I must make
it clear that your gender disorder does pose a substantial threat to
our marriage. It is kind of like a cancer or gangrene that if not
taken care of will spread and kill the whole thing. It is also kind of
like the ring of power in the movie, "Lord of the Rings." The more you
wear it, the more power it has over you and ultimately it tries to
take over in your life and become the sole focus of your attention.
After Gollum had it for awhile, he called it his "precious" and it was
like an idol that ruled over all of his thoughts and affections. It
became a total obsession for him. It started out like a simple thing,
a pretty gold ring that looked harmless but it had the power to
destroy anyone that kept if for long. That is why Frodo had to toss it
into the fires of Mordor even though the journey seemed hopeless and
impossible. To keep it would have been even worse.
I am not sure how you procured your "ring of power" but I do know that
it will do you no good and that if even it seems impossible to "throw
it into the fires of Mordor" that is the only option that allows for a
healthy marriage in the future. Marriage is an exclusive thing: one
man and one woman -- not one woman and another ---or a triangle of a
mess, a fantasy life and a woman.
I know that secular psychology sometimes tries to make it that the
wife of a man with GID should just live with it because her husband is
the "poor victim" of some kind of genetic problem that is incurable. I
believe that the root causes of GID is found in the deep heart wounds
that happened in early childhood from feelings of rejection. It became
an unhealthy coping strategy for trying to feel accepted and have love
needs met. Each person that develops this problem has different
situations -- not all of them had parents that wanted them to be
girls. In the same manner each person who falls into bulimia or
alcoholism has a different set of circumstances that they are dealing
with. They choose addictive behaviors to try to help them cope with
these same feelings of rejection and not knowing how to fill their
unmet love needs.
I suppose that the solution would be try to delve back into the past
to determine the reason for the feelings of rejection and then learn
healthy and Godly ways of having those love needs met. For deep wounds
of the heart, there can be a very long and difficult process involving
much counseling and much prayer.
You tell me that secular psychologists you have seen have not helped
you significantly or given you much hope (despite their scientific
training and advanced degrees). Jay does not offer a "quick fix" with
a couple of Bible verses thrown at you. Healing takes time -- usually
a couple of years and even then, temptations can reappear just as
"cured" alcoholics can experience desires to drink at times.
I attribute Jay's success to the fact that he includes God and prayer
in the counseling process. I believe that God is the only ONE who can
truly heal our hearts and meet our deepest needs for love. Please
remember that Jesus Himself had no degrees in science or modern
psychology, yet He healed people much more effectively than all of the
doctors. I have nothing against doctors and scientists. God can work
through them but when the problem is of a spiritual nature . . . like
"filling unmet love needs," we need to add a supernatural dimension to
the solution.
Another issue: you suggested in your recent letter that I might be the
cause of your problem because I have failed to meet your love needs.
Let me say first of all that no person should be so arrogant as to say
that their behavior is so perfect that there are no ways in which they
could improve it. Everyone can find ways to do better. It would also
be foolish to say that our behavior has no effect upon others.
Nevertheless, I suspect that you may be looking for me to "fill the
cup of your life," in ways that only God can. I would like to refer
you to a book that directly addresses our need to take ownership of
our own problems rather than blaming everyone else for the way we are.
(chapter 5 of God Will Make a Way, by Gary Smalley & John Trent).
Clearly God is the only One who can meet our deepest needs. If we are
to have a working marriage we need to work towards cutting out the
"cancerous growth" that is going to kills us. I am glad to work on
improving myself and my role in marriage, but I love you enough to
tell you that I am not the cause of your problem! People do not have
that degree of power over others. We "choose" our addictions as a
young child. We do have free will. Wrong thinking about ourselves
leads to unhealthy behavior. When the thinking is corrected, the
behaviors become healthy, too. Remember "as a man thinks in his heart,
so is he," (Proverbs 23:7)
I write this letter because I'm trying to seek your highest good!
Much love,
________________________________________
MY PASSIONATE PURSUIT
BY Jay
Journal entry weeks prior to scheduled sex change surgery:
"I cannot escape the relentless desires and thoughts of my heart to
fulfill my long awaited dream. But I'm no longer just a mere
dreamer...I am now pushing myself headlong into what my heart has
truly wanted all of these years.
I will not let anything or anyone stop me! I cannot allows other's
views deter me from reaching my true destiny. It is the only thing
that now gives me purpose for living. It is my life, my true love. All
that would detain me must get out of my way!
I want to believe that you, God, are with me in this venture. But even
if You're not, I say to You, as well, "get out of my way!!!!" I can
and will do nothing other than this. I will be a woman no matter the
cost. Nothing or no one will stop me!"
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