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*****
Testimonials abound on
television talk shows and the Internet where transsexuals profess
that through sex-reassignment surgery they are merely bringing their
external appearance into agreement with their real gender.
While the interviewers may glibly say that they admire the
transsexual who has had the "guts" to make the change, I wonder how
they would feel if it were their son, husband, father, or brother?
Somehow I think the accolades would abruptly cease!
Listen to some of the casualties of SRS.
[In order to provide anonymity, real names and dates have been
changed.]
Parents
Listen in on the conversation I had with one mother who related her
agony:
Our son, 34 years old, 15 years in a Christian marriage with two
lovely daughters, divorced his wife and began living as a woman. A
year later he had a sex change surgery in a European country. We as
parents experienced four years of excruciating pain, the stress
destroyed my health, causing chronic physical pain and fatigue as
well. I do have compassion on him, for I know that he is in such
pain. That has given me patience and understanding that others lack.
I pray that his pain will finally drive him into his real Father's
arms. You are so correct in saying that the surgery he so
desperately demanded has not healed his deep hurts; he recently told
me of his great loneliness and despair of ever being at peace with
who he is.
Siblings
A sister records her thoughts and feelings:
John's surgery was a day of mourning for me. The whole family reeled
in the aftermath of nine anguished years of hoping that John
wouldn't do it . . . Grief clung to my body like a mourning shroud.
Sorrow like I'd never known crushed me . . . How could I cope with
the death of a person who was still alive? Having never lost a loved
one, I was unprepared for the pain I felt. And this experience of
loss was in no way typical. It defied any generalized outline of the
"stages of grieving." I had just lost my thirty-year-old brother. By
a surgical procedure, he had become my sister.
I realized that his lifetime struggle had not been to become
something or someone, but to destroy something. It seemed to me that
Jim was shaking his fist at God, saying, "I hate the way you made
me, and see - I did something about it."
Children
And what about the children? When a man abandons his fatherhood to
pursue SRS, the emotional devastation in the lives of his children
is unparalleled. The following are excerpts from ongoing
correspondence that my wife and I have had with a woman whose
husband chose to have SRS . Their thirteen-year-old son became an
SRS casualty.
Prior to the surgery, she wrote:
My son knows that George has legally changed his name to Julia.
Everyone in the community knows that George is now coming to work as
Julia. There is no longer a time when he is not in woman's clothing
or makeup. He has changed his birth certificate, driver's license,
etc. I have kept the recent unveiling of his surgery date from my
son, Daniel. He has stated to me, without my solicitation, that he
would never see his dad again as a woman and would consider him dead
if he proceeded with surgery. George and Daniel, up until the last
year before he left home, had an incredibly close relationship.
George was a fabulous father.
Some months after the surgery, she wrote:
Daniel went for his yearly physical exam, and I privately met with
his doctor beforehand to explain our situation. I had to spend the
next 15 minutes trying to put this poor guy back together; he was so
blown away. He tried to give me equivalents of what type of physical
pain it would take to match the emotional pain of what happened. I
did appreciate his genuine concern.
Another mother of three boys (ages 4, 6, and 8) writes:
They know their Dad lives as a woman and they don't really know what
to think. Our eight-year-old understands more and says "Daddy is
lying." They all hurt so deeply and have anger to deal with. They
love and miss their daddy. He really wants the boys and I to see him
as Tammy and accept that this is really who he is. I do not believe
that this is right and that it would be harmful to the boys.
Wives
The following are direct quotes from letters we've received from
wives. Each section is from a different person.
I have been struggling lately. My health has been wavering. It is
stress. I know I'm doing everything I know to do. It is painful to
watch my husband make his choices.
It is with a broken heart, yet a strength and hope in the Lord that
I write you both today. We received news yesterday that John indeed
went through with his surgery on Tuesday. I feel relieved of the
battle in some ways, yet oh, so sad for the consequences he will
have to bear in life. As Jesus cried, "Oh, Jerusalem, Oh Jerusalem",
I feel like "Oh, John, oh, John." I am grieving the reality of our
marital bonds being severed. My son as of yet does not know of the
recent news. I will continue to seek the Lord for his guidance
concerning that.
I really think I need a break. I am not good at dealing with this. I
don't know what I'm doing. I feel like I'm just screwing things up
and even IF he decides he does not want to be a woman, then our
marriage is shot anyway. One minute I feel like he needs to make his
own decision and he does. But the next minute I'm worrying about how
the kids and I will survive. And I'm angry, because I got married
planning to go through life together, totally unsuspecting of what
lay beneath the surface of my groom. Now I feel as if I were being
thrown away for a fantasy - left at age 30 to provide for three kids
and myself with a basketful of empty dreams.
I find myself tired, energy very low and generally emotionless. This
is not a normal me. I am a high energy person and very emotional.
When I search for husband/wife sentiment, I don't seem to find it. I
sense great loss for my friend. I miss the comfortableness of 25
years. He was a wonderful friend to converse with.
My ex-husband died of a self-inflicted gunshot wound. His death was
such a tragic loss. My pain was compounded because the choice he
made [SRS] excluded me from my role as a widow. It might seem
strange, but having loved and cared for him most of my adult life, I
felt so isolated in my grief. I know that as a group transsexuals
have a very high suicide rate. However, I don't know what the
figures are. Do you know? It would help when I try to explain what
happened.
Against this backdrop of casualties is the following letter from
post-operative Louise as he (now her) expresses his thoughts to his
confused and tearful daughter. [I've purposely "bolded" the personal
pronouns. Need I say more?]
Ann, I am sorry that I have embarrassed you by my decision to have
surgery. I just want you to know that I love you very much, though I
realize that you cannot understand my situation and that it has been
devastating to you. But please know this - that as a woman I am now
able to love myself, like the person I now am, and am truly happy. I
know this all sounds very selfish. I know that I have had the body
of a male. I know that I have lived most of my life as a man, but I
was never happy with myself. But I have been living as a woman for
the last year and a half except when I go to work and when I see you
kids. You are the only ones in the world that I present myself to as
a male. I know that you will have great difficulty in understanding
that I am who I am and have come to full acceptance of myself as a
woman. If I try to live otherwise I feel like life is empty and
meaningless for me as a person. I have found my peace with God and
know that He still loves me and that I'm still saved. I am sorry
that I have damaged your faith by my actions, but each and every one
of us must work out his own salvation with fear and trembling. I
have done that before Him and am attempting to live as a godly
woman. "
Signed, "Your other parent."
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