Anthony's testimony

I was born in the 1970's on the west coast, my mom and dad separated when I was very young. I grew up with my mom and my grandmother for the most part in those first years. When I was young, perhaps 5 my family lived in a rather normal suburban neighbourhood in Northern California. One day when I was out playing with three or four other kids on older boy perhaps early teenager molested us in a group sex act. I buried the shame, in my heart and never dealt with it. Soon after that I came to the realization that I wanted to be a girl; however that is expressed in the heart of a 5 year old. I remember sitting on the steps of my school and wanting to play with the girls, be with the girls. I disliked the boys and really did not want to be part of their group. As I continued to grow up this desire to be a girl increased, when we would go to friend’s houses who had dress up clothes, I would put on the dresses and pretend I was a princess. When I was 9 or 10 my parents started going to church, I remember praying to Jesus every night to change me into a girl. I hoped that I would wake in the morning and somehow become female.

As puberty came I was really confused and distressed. My mind wanted to develop as a female but my body was becoming more masculine. This is when I started cross dressing, mostly in my mom's bras, panties and lingerie. There was some sexual pleasure from it, however mostly I would just wear them around the house believing I was a girl. I was homeschooled and my mom worked out of the house quite a bit so there was a lot of time for this. When I was 16 Jesus saved me and for some time I had some peace, but after a while the desires were back and worse than ever. I would try and fight, but would ultimately go back to cross dressing.

As I entered my late teens, early 20's the cross dressing stopped but I still wrestled with this desire in my life. I would hear accusations in my head; "You are Female, You can't hack it as a man." Sometimes it was like a drum beating in my head over and over, for days or weeks on end. I struggled with depression, tiredness, just a heavy heart. I had a hard time having fun, because when I was out with my friends I was jealous of the girls and fun they were having. That started to become a theme in my life, I was jealous of females; their curves, softness, and what I perceived as superiority over men. I hated everything about my masculinity; I had fantasies at times of castrating myself and ending the control of testosterone over my life... It was during all this that I met a beautiful woman, who was to be my wife. I truly cared for her and loved her, but I also was looking for an identity in marriage, although I could not express it at the time. 

I started dating my wife in the summer of 2001; we were engaged in December of 2001 and married in April of 2002. In total we had really known each other 8 months before we were married. I did it the old fashion way and went and asked her father if we could see each other. Growing up in a conservative Christian home I knew how to walk the walk and talk the talk and effectively fooled everyone around me into thinking that I was this awesome guy when inside I was being torn up by my Gender Identity.

I would like to diverge here a little bit, to discuss a topic that is near to my heart. I looked at marriage as a way to get my identity, don't get me wrong, I cared for my wife when we got married but my heart was in it for the wrong reasons. Since my transsexuality was my secret, that I protected, I of course did not want to tell me fiancé. I was more interested in protecting myself, than to be discovered and outed to the church. I look back on this with a lot of remorse, as a husband you are supposed to protect your wife and my heart definitely was not there. Men, if you are living with sexual sin, I implore you to NOT get married until you have dealt with it. As men we are called to be the leaders and if leading for you means to break off a relationship for a time or indefinitely in order to protect the woman than you need to have the guts to do it. Please do not drag your fiancé through the crap that I have dragged my wife through just because you do not have the guts to break it off.

My wife found out about my Gender Identity issues early on in the marriage, of course after our wedding. This started a 6 year long relationship, or lack of relationship with me fantasizing about being a woman, not leading my wife and becoming more withdrawn from her. I guess it was not always like this, there were times we were close, but much of our marriage was characterized by my issues and my withdrawing and in return her becoming bitter. We started attending a church and one of the pastors suggested that I go and meet with a Christian counsellor. This period started really good, I learned a lot through this counsellor and John Eldridge's book "Wild at Heart". I really started to see the spiritual warfare side of GID, the constant accusations, the heaviness in my heart, the depression that had always been with me. I remember begging Jesus to take these desires from me; I was trying to use Jesus snake oil to fix my issues. This spiralled out of control, and I really lost sight of God in all of this. I started asking why and trying to research everything about GID and the more I did the more depressed I became. I finally wore myself out in Spring/Summer of 2008 and gave in, I decided that medicine/psychology must have the answers and maybe like an intersex condition this was just the way I was. I told my wife I was leaving and wanted to divorce and transition to becoming a woman. I went out and bought supplies and women’s clothing that night, and went to hotel room. I won't go into all the details, but as I sat there in all my "feminine glory", reading on my computer the stories of other TS folks I remember praying "God what am I doing???" And I remember this still small voice ask "Is this what you really want?", my response was "No, what should I do?" and what I heard still rings in my head to this day; "Run!! Run back to your wife." So I did, my wife being the faithful, loving, and Godly woman that she is accepted me back, and forgave me. She really showed Jesus to me, that even though I hurt her, she was thinking she was going to be divorced and have to explain to our kids that daddy left. She was going to have to find a job, figure out where to live. I just through all of her marital security away in 6 hours, but she took me back and loved me...

In late December, early January of 2009 I began to struggle heavily again. My days became very dark, I was depressed, feeling anxious and panicked like what if I was supposed to be a woman all these years and I was living a lie. I went on a business trip and by the time I came back home I was just done. I again told my wife that I could no longer live this life and that I needed to leave to pursue my “true life” as a female. I left my wife that night and told her that I wanted to separate. As I left to go back out and check into a hotel I was feeling really angry with God. I was yelling on the drive “God, this is bigger than you. I can't do this anymore, I am so tired of fighting and I just want to live the way that my mind wants me to live.” I remember God distinctly telling me “I am your father and you are my son. You do not need to do this; you need to get your significance from me.” I yelled back “No God I am done with this crap, this is ridiculous, I am living a lie and I need to be female.” I wrestled and wrestled with this for hours. Finally I was worn down and just asked God, “What do I need to do?” The answer I got was; “Get your significance from me, not from being female. You need to follow me and love me more than this.”

I went back home, needless to say my wife was totally shaken, saddened and angry by my giving into this. It still took several weeks, of wrestling through this issue. I was trying to fight what God was telling me. I still wanted to believe that this issue was genetic, that somehow some where there was some loop hole. I started reading an older website by a man who wrestled with these issues and decided that He needed to stay being male for the sake of his wife and kids. I have to say it was one of the very few sites that I found that was not entirely pro-transgendered, but I was encouraged. I went to church and spoke with one of the pastors; his thoughts for me were that I had given up fighting the temptation and was falling into a trap. I started going to a Redemption Group that our church has developed. I started to learn that Transsexuality was my Egypt, my slavery and that God was calling me out of that onto a path of redemption. I learned that we as humans are made for worship. Worship is like a hose that you cannot stop; you can point it in various directions but cannot make it stop. As humans we are like that hose, we pour our worship on God or other idols in our lives. I was worshiping femininity and was ready to sacrifice myself, my wife and my children on that altar. After searching my heart I also realized that I was angry with God, I think mostly for not “fixing me” the way I wanted. I wanted to pray the prayer and any desire to be female would be gone and I would be some sort of super-man. When God did not fix me this way after years of praying for it, I became bitter.

So where am I now, I am fighting the fight, and running the race. I am working out what redemption in Jesus looks like for transgender people. Am I still tempted, yes, but I am learning that I am fighting through the trial, with Christ by my side. I feel like Paul when he says; “So to keep me from becoming conceited because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations, a thorn was given me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to harass me, to keep me from becoming conceited. Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”

I am thankful for a God who pursues us, and wants a real relationship with us. I am thankful for a loving, patient and spirit filled wife, who was righteously angry with me at times, who would not give in to me, always prayed for me and pushed me to pursue Christ. I am also thankful to the pastors and deacons of my church who came along side of me and taught me what redemption in Jesus Christ looks like.